I sat in the waiting room waiting to make my appointment for the ultra sound on my breast.
And thought why me?
What lesson am I learning from this?
What do I need to pay better attention to?
As I sat there another 45 min before they finally called me in, I figured the lesson for that one is use the phone to make appointment.
As I drove home and thought about all the possible out comes(of course focusing on only the bad). Cancer, chemo, loosing my breast, passing down to my daughter! The panic begun to set in it was all I could do to make it home, to my happy place, my heart was racing I began to hyper ventilate, my palms were sweating and I couldn't even think straight, I went straight to my closet and curled up in a bawl and began to sob! Deep painful sobs, why god I began to ask, what am I going to do, how am I going to tell my children. How do I make this OK, then I realized I was asking the wrong things.
I hadn't been told I had cancer! I had been told I had a lump!
Please God, help me not focus on what could be but focus on what I have! My children, let me enjoy them, for however long I am here with them let me be with them!! Amen.
It wasn't instant, but I did feel peaceful and calm and able to exit the closet without anymore tears. And I enjoyed the rest of the weekend without thinking of my lump at all, of course I took an awesome fall on Saturday that left me bruised and skinned for weeks,(months) that turned out to actually smash what ever lump was in my breast! (yes that is God sense of humor at it's best) that is how hard I feel! So when I had my tests that Tuesday they couldn't find anything. I still have to go back every year because of my mother now, but things aren't so bad. And her lumps were removed and they got everything and she just has to be checked every six months to make sure it's not coming back.
(this post was supposed to be posted in May 2010)