It is sometimes hard to receive a Gift...

Do you remember that moment you surrender to God saying I just cant take it any more... I just cant carry on... its too much... life... pain... reality... what ever your burden was at the time was NO! Me neither I just sat there crying in self destruction wishing that my pain would just magically go away. I had forgotten I wasn't in this alone because I had felt alone and forgotten. I have these moments more than I would like to admit... more than I want. I feel overwhelmed, anxious, alone... I am human and I have a very human response to anxiety and stress... I cry, I scream, I forget that I have someone on my side, that I am not alone that God is on my side. 

If you were picking sides for a team what are some of the things you would look for...

                                        Supportive 

Cooperation

                                              Teamwork

Forgiveness (maybe not from all teammates but from the Quarter Back (for you sports peeps)

                    Like minded

these are all human words, words that make you feel better.

Now think what God has promised you... 

Sometimes remembering what God has to offer us or promised us is not easy, it takes time and it takes practice...WHAT! Why do I need to practice receiving these gift? 

Look at the list... 

   How many of the promises do you think come easy?

LOVE???

 You might think that this one is easy, right? I love my kids... my spouse.. my parents?

How about yourself? do you love yourself, unconditionally, Not just when you are having a good hair day or a good outfit day. Or when you have won at parenthood (Which by the way I have only done once, I have two teens now so the fact that they are alive is a win but other than that, Well.)

Joy and Peace?

 (the first paragraph of this blog says it all there for me)

And if these are easy for you, truly easy please share with the rest of us!

Patience?

I have been working on this since the day I found out I was going to be a mom... My mom may have said my whole life but we are not going to count pre-children because I choose to believe (and I am sure if you are a parent) you all have one child that test this on a daily sometimes by the minute basis.

Okay so I think you are seeing a pattern... these gifts need to be renewed over and over, and the fact that you may think that you can do these things on your own, first tells me once again 

YOU ARE HUMAN, 

second tells me that you either don't believe that these are promised or do think you have to practice receiving. You have heard the term Practice makes perfect? 

Well in this case it does not, don't worry the goodness is you don't have to be perfect! 

And its ok if you are Human, guess what so is everyone around you!

That is why we have been given these gifts, of faith and we get a chance to practice them over and over. Not to perfect them but to reflect them. 

The hardest thing to do is receive a gift sometimes... 

Know this, you are not alone, you are not perfect but worth it and GOD loves you!

Now if I can remember this on a moment to moment basis I will be Okay. 

It is amazing WHAT can happen it a 
few short years... 

It has been just that since I posted

When I started this blog I was a single parent of two kids, one with some every day hardships mainly because she was a girl and had me for a mom who lets face, as a teen I KNEW everything! And the other and, well lets just say his hard-ships are not everyday and not common place, and not always even hardships in my book. they are differences, he is a force. I love both of them greatly and would not change what we have been through with maybe a few exceptions like less broken/chewed on things, mainly mine but mostly the last four  years have been pretty great and I want to keep a more up to date record because of the last four years.

This Blog is mainly about our lives and what is up with them... they have changed and I will eventually update what has happened in our lives, there has been some minor changes and some significant changes BUT today's post is a 
                                 

 Thank you letter.

A public Thank you to a my Cousin, Friend, and Mentor Thomas Allen:
He has Cancer and is leaving this earth sooner than later and for that I am sad, but he will be on the right hand side of Jesus soon, pain free and unencumbered of his illness. And for that I am Thankful.

Because he is my cousin he has been there, in my life most of my life, showing me the ropes... He is a a few years older so he was always like my big brother. Especially when we hit middle school and high school, we had a lot of the same friends, which kept me from getting into more trouble than I already did. :) And his best girl has been one of my best friends Gina Bronson then and Gina Allen for 25 years now she was the one who kidnapped me and took me to my surprise 16th birthday party. 

      
I love them both and can not imagine life with out Thom and Gina together. The last few years as he has he has gotten sicker and I have struggled with my own sickness we have not been able to spend time together it has been really hard because they are more like friends then family and I felt like we both were walking very different walks but at the same time time had similar turns and thought it would be so much easier if we could go through this together, but that is probably me just being selfish.  Plus at the same time I have watched him be so open about his illness and I have not wanted to tell anyone much about what was going on with me because mine was not as bad so I was okay, 

I want to say that I love Thomas and Gina and to all of their kids.

this is a few years ago... 

this is the last one that I was in...


I don't know that I have said it all but I know that I have said enough for now... I love my family, I love Thomas and will miss him and thank him, and thank GOD for him! 

Xander... becoming what he is afraid of!

So the last three or so months have been really interesting, to say the least.

Some people know that you do not give an Autistic child an abstract concept, such as the world might end in 2012. For most of us we understand that the world probably will not end this year, and if it does it will be fast and we won't really know it. But for a boy with autism telling him the world was going to end brought our world to a stand still.

He stopped for all intensive purpose living his life. He digressed in most aspects of life, he hyper focused so intensely on the end of the world that nothing could get done. he even began to watch my little pony, "because they were happy." After some intense stressing, lots of praying and an intervention or two he started settling down and believing that the world had in fact not ended.

He started his life again, re-entered 5th grade with a new enthusiasm and started to enjoy activities again. Then last week he had his maturation program... you know were they explain what kind of changes your body is going to go through as it becomes a man. Again those of you who have autistic kids are probably already shaking your head because you can guess what happened.
With all the things that they told him about fluids and changes and growth and voices the one thing he takes away was that he was going to grow hair... everywhere...

"I DON'T WANT TO BECOME A WEREWOLF." Not a man a werewolf! Funny I didn't hear anything about fangs and claws! So this week it was all I could do to convince him he was not going to be a werewolf.

Threw all of this Xander has worked diligently with his scout troop to move from a Cub Scout (Webelos) to a full Boy Scout... he earned 16 pins, two belt loops, the religious knot, his webelos badge, the World conservation patch and his Arrow of Light. So all the time he spent worrying about becoming a man or a werewolf he was working hard on it. Thursday night he crossed the bridge on his way to adulthood and I couldn't be more proud. Don't get me wrong I know the road a head is not paved in marshmallow but I think as long as I have chocolate in my pocket when he cracks again I will make s'mores.

And for those that don't get the last joke too bad, but it means more for me.

Christmas

So I finally was able to get a new camera for Christmas... somthing I have not bee able to own since everyone went digital. It really put a damper on my spirt. But yay finally and now there is this awsome giveaway for a new lens!

What a great addition this would be to my Christmas Present!! http://www.ohsoposhphotography.com/blog/?p=5558

Why is it always calm before the storm?

This blog started out to be a sounding board for all the frustrations, hard times and ups and downs that I have with mostly my son and handling or coping with his Autism. It turns out over the last couple of years Xander has adjusted to many new and changing situations quite well, so there was no need for me to vent or get feed back... at least I thought.

 It turns out I should have been posting all the good things so that on days, weeks or months like this I could look back and see that there is a light at the tunnel...this very dark and stressful tunnel that I feel like I am in right now.
So today I am going to try and remember all the good stuff before I write all the bad stuff so that I can remember that this to shall pass.
Xander has been attending the same school for a while this is actually his third year here and amazingly enough even though I was pulling him off my roof at the beginning of the first year up until 3 weeks ago he has not had a problem going. Oh sure there were the occasional slow getting started days, but over all he has made leaps and bounds. He had always been about a year and a half behind and the last three years he has all but closed the gap. He is ready way above grade level and his comprehension is right on grade level, this is amazing for any student but for one that had struggled to even talk when he was first diagnosed to be reading and be understanding right a long with his class mates, well needless to say I am very proud of him. He has always struggled with the concept of math, for some kids with Autism or Aspergers Math and Science are the areas that they can achieve in but for Xander these areas are a struggle. He is finally understanding how numbers work and how they corresponds with time and money. Thank goodness,  because as he understands more he ask for less and he is on time (most of the time). One thing that he has become extremely good at is his art. Being an artist I love the fact that he has always wanted to draw, but at his age of 10 he shows more promise and talent than some of the student I was in college with. He has more patients with his art than I have ever had, I expect perfection the first time and he will work at until it is just the way he likes it, it does not need to be perfect.

Xander will be a fantastic artist when he gets older and I couldn't be more proud...this said his love of drawing gets in the way of his school work sometimes to the point where this is all he can focus on. I want to be supportive and let him know his art is important to me but there are other things in life that he need to focus on also.
The last three weeks have been tough, he is back to wanting to stay home everyday, making himself vomit to convince me he is sick so I wont send him to school. he has been bullied in the past and is know feeling bullied by more than just the kids at school. His choir teacher yelled at him, his school counselor is talking the tough guy approach and making threats instead of implementing a positive reinforcement approach. These are isolated events not something that happens all the time but I know he feels ganged up on. When he struggles I struggle. It tears my heart apart and I don't know what to do for him.

Welcome Spring!

Here it is May 6th and this month has been beautiful... Who cares that Spring is almost two weeks late! NOT me not now... I am enjoying the weather that is today!